Being Indian, am a die-hard Bollywood junkie. These lines from a famous Bolly flick have resonated with me through the years. Originally in Hindi, it would read something like this….
‘If someone claims to love you, let them love you as you are…exactly as you are.
If they need to change you to love you, then that’s business, that’s not love..
‘Cuz my friend, business has no business when it comes to love!’
Yes, you’ve guessed it! My favorite topic to write about is LOVE. Always has been. Always will be. An incurable romantic at heart, I feel that love is the very essence that makes the world go round, it’s that elixir that breathes life into our souls. Who isn’t aware of the many forms of love,, it’s delights and delusions? Do you remember the number of times you lay awake in bed and cried your heart out, your face buried in your pillow so it would not awaken your parents in the next room? Or your roommate sleeping on the other bed? The duvet soaking up your tears, your pillow listening to your unsaid thoughts…. we all have been through those times, at least most of us!
But that is exactly what my post is about. What do we do when we let love hurt us? Sounds wrong, right? Love should make us feel magical, beautiful, glorified. Instead, it does the opposite, so many times! People take their own lives because they cannot be with the one they desperately want to be with, or they have been betrayed by that one person they thought would never betray them. I still remember a friend told me once that she used to cut herself in desperation; she was in love with a narcissist who abused her emotions, made her feel worthless. And she wasn’t a teenager either, she was in her early thirties.
So much for love!
To this day, I remember thinking that it’s wrong! It’s all wrong! What can we do to change this? How do we help ourselves and others when love hurts? How do we morph love that hurts into love that heals?
Take Back Control
Your life is yours, no matter how difficult it might seem at times. Science confirms that the pain of heartbreak is akin to physical pain and we would do anything to get rid of that. But before you let hopelessness and depression encompass you, stop to think for a minute. Life is so much more than just one person walking out on you! There’s still so much beauty all around, in nature, in the smiles of children, in the embrace of a friend or even in a simple act of kindness of a stranger. There are so many who do not have a life promised to them anymore…. the sick, the dying! You’ve still got days, years, moments. Make the most of it. You were giving so much love to another, save some for yourself as well. As the saying goes, ‘If you’re going through hell, walk as if you own the place!’
Try Self-love .. Nothing Works Better.
Self-love does not mean wallowing in self-pity. However, do not be too hard on yourself. If you do not love yourself or do not see your own worth, you cannot expect others to value you either. Be happy with yourself. Remind yourself that there’s a reason you’re here, you have dreams, goals aspirations! No matter how simple they might be. Just because someone left you wreathing in pain on the ground, there’s no reason to remain there.Get up, give yourself a good shake and hold your head up high. Look into the mirror and try to bring on a smile, Even if red, puffy eyes are staring back at you, it’s alright. Even if you fall back on the bed and dissolve in a fit of tears, that is okay too. It’s only human to be vulnerable and feel pain. I know the tears seem endless now, let them flow. I have always felt that people who are not afraid of showing their vulnerability are the bravest onesand deal with hurt in the best possible way. And do cry. It has a cathartic effect, dissolves the heaviness in our hearts and clears our vision, literally and figuratively.
Listen to Friends and Well-wishers but Follow Your Heart
I do not undermine the value of family and well-meaning friends when you are trying to heal from invisible wounds. However, I’ve also realized that sometimes that can actually make you feel worse. The words of a friend who gives practical advice on how to move on and forget the past might not be bearable for some time. Therefore, if you feel that you’re not in a position to forget the past and you need more time, that’s perfectly okay. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re weak or lack dignity. If your mind has to go through all that that led you to the present moment, so be it. Think it over, go through the process, feel the pain all over again. Just don’t berate yourself. Think of it as a story you’re reading, or a movie you’re watching and then leave the movie hall feeling refreshed. Sad yes, but refreshed.
We are humans and each of us deal differently with grief, we heal differently. Just because someone seemed to move on faster does not mean you’re not healing. You’re… at your own pace. And believe me when I say this, every moment and every little thing counts. Every single moment that you’re trudging on with life… you’re chanelling within yourself the amazing power of healing.
Read and Walk…. in any order
I am sure some of you will agree that being with our own selves at times, with our own thoughts can sometimes be beneficial. Don’t isolate yourself to the point where you feel lonely, but don’t be afraid to be alone in the lap of nature, if you can. On my walks in the early mornings, I’ve realized that being in the open, breathing the fresh air, staring at a grassy patch covered with white blossoms and seeing the world slowly awaken has therapeutic value. Find a bit of time, whenever you can. Morning, late night, evening… whenever. You’ll sense a calm that is difficult to come by in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives.And why not carry a paperback to read a few paragraphs from? Or a journal to write something? Or sketch? My current favorite is ‘Spirituality’ so am lapping everything up on that. Some I like, some I don’t. Not a reader? May be, just listen? Audio books. Days I don’t feel like reading, I just listen to something on audio book apps like ‘Story tel’. Somehow, I don’t really know how, but helps me stay grounded.
Even if you cannot Forget, Forgive..
Not that everyone deserves forgiveness, but you need peace. Although that someone who hurt you will perhaps never ask for it, give it anyway. You’ll feel a hundred times better because you’ve taken an unnecessary load off your mind and soul. In my interactions with people, I’ve noticed that people who nurse a grudge, fair or not, often feel a certain restlessness, like a poison that consumes their peace of mind. It deters them from enjoying things they love and the anger that they feel makes them stressed out, resentful and can even change their personalities completely. Forgiveness is for you, not them.
So, try and forgive the one who has betrayed your trust. It doesn’t make you weak, it sets you free:P
“Will he remember me?” The eight year old asks. Her eyes glance nervously at her mom, a hand-made Valentine’s clutched between her fingers.
“Of course he will, my love!” Her mother assures her. The little girl stares at the portrait of her father mounted on the wall. “Mom says I have your eyes, dad..” she whispers, “I miss you dad, I don’t remember much of you except,,” she pauses, “You sang to me at bedtime….” Her face brightens, on a sudden thought.
“Was it Baby Beluga, mom?” She asks, filled with hope. Her mom nods, her voice choked. Forcing herself to smile, she prays for strength.
“See, I remember! Mom says I was just five when you…” Her words falter. She places the card on the tripod below the portrait. “Happy Valentine’s Dad!” She rushes off to make another one.
Her mom inches closer to her husband’s frame, “I got ice-cream and its the flavor you love,” she whispers conspiratorially, “and just like before, am gonna eat yours too!”
Does the portrait really listen? Does it even care?
Her tears are falling fresh and fast for love is in the air.
Dreamy in her pristine white satin and veil, she gulps and shifts awkwardly
She cannot do this! She needs to run! She just isn’t ready!
Far across the aisle, she spots her groom, watching her intently. Her legs have turned to stone.
When her father nudges her gently, “Answer your phone!”
Its her groom. “I know you wanna run,” he says, “let’s run away together.. Soon!
You can say ‘T do” later… but let’s have the honeymoon!”
She giggles and blushes, like the peach roses in her hair
And strides down the aisle to stand with him for love is in the air.
Fragile, disheveled, the man always sat…. muttering in a corner
Folks spoke of how his love betrayed him for riches he could not buy
Left him desolate and raving mad. Yet he smiled at me as if he did not have a care
And shrieked in a hoarse, rattling tone, “Love is in the air!”
The big car swerved but he had jumped. Mangled, he lay on the road but I could barely shed a tear.
He must have thought this an apt occasion for love is in the air.
The lotus stands alone, forlorn, in the dark waters of the lake
The black night around her, densely packed
With the chirping of critters, adding to the eeriness of the place.
But does the lotus care? She is pre-occupied, staring steadfastly at the dazzling moon
She strives to reach that silvery orb, she hopes, sighs and hopes again.
For she knows that the moon cares not for her existence
Yet, she adores his light, it soothes the restlessness in her soul
When his beams cast their magic on her quivering petals
She starts to shimmer, feeling his touch all over her being
She dances with delight, gently swaying in the playful breeze
Her grateful heart whispering a serenade as she worships her unattainable..
I ask the lotus, “Are you not a fool? Why waste your youth on the faraway moon…
That neither cares for the purity of your ardour, nor for the virtues that commit you to him?
Amused by my ignorant probes, she softly laughs and answers
“I adore the light that brightens my soul, I bow before that, it makes me who I am..
My beauty, my virtues, my passionate love
Soar toward him, as a silent prayer
He listens, he knows, he understands
And though the moon seems oblivious to you,
He answers my call when his light shines through.