Category Archives: Soul musings

Dear ‘Unattainable’

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Dear ‘Unattainable
I have been up since four-fifteen in the morning and now its six o’ clock. I know I should get more sleep, the dark circles around my eyes are testimony to that. This, you see, is the most beautiful time of day, when the mad din of the ever-rushing world has not yet begun. It’s the time when I feel that I can talk to my soul and ask for advice, when everything seems so calm and peaceful, when sleep has not removed its blanket of dreams yet and the world is huddled under it, serenely. I stood on the balcony and stared at the empty roads and twinkling traffic lights, thinking of you and wondering if ….you were thinking of me, too! A smile crept up my lips (thoughts of you always guarantee a smile) and my most fervent hopes came to life. But they were soon rebuked by my inner voice….that tiny, annoying little thing that speaks from inside you… “Stop fooling yourself and go back to sleep!” it mocked me and I asked it to shut up.

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That ‘miss you’ message I sent you was just to see if you would answer. Hoping against hope, you know.  You have removed yourself from my world, but I could not give up on you as easily.  I sigh, throwing my hands up in the air. Some people never learn!

But, hold on… I am losing my train of thought. I have so much to tell you. Still. Where were we? Oh yes! I am still not able to erase you out of my existence, my mundane day-to-day life. You still feature very prominently in everything I do! You are like a movie star, unreachable, unfathomable. A beautiful lie. But you are there, your smiling face brightening up the walls of my mind, just like the posters I used to decorate the walls of my room with, as a silly kid.
Reminiscing about you makes me hungry. Let me grab a bowl of pasta. If there is anything I love as much as you, its pasta.

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I just recalled how you were once teaching me to cook pasta the right way… so that it’s neither too hard nor too tender. That was the first time I witnessed your passion for pasta! May be it was all that mozzarella and parmesan that fused my heart to yours. My love for cheese, it makes me so ‘cheesy.’ You have always called my writings cheesy. And, as I looked crestfallen, you scrutinized my pout and winked at me. “But don’t worry! I like cheese,” Your words echoed with a merry laughter and I laughed with you and that is how every day, every moment you have breathed your magic into my soul. Now that you no longer touch me with that magic of yours, I yearn for it. I wait for my days to turn into nights when I can lose myself in thoughts of you without the fear of retribution.

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The fusion of souls… I had read about it somewhere but I believed in it only after I fell for you, albeit, hopelessly. I have always felt, dear ‘Unreachable now’, that our souls are meant to be together…. forever and beyond that. Just like Voldemort had attached part of his soul with Harry’s, unintentionally, you soldered part of your soul into mine, again, unintentionally. (I cannot thank J.K. Rowling enough for this, great writer that she is) Each conversation, each moment of laughter and closeness shared with you made me believe more firmly in ‘Till death do us part’. Little did I know that the parting was to come too soon.

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I do not blame you for parting ways. People fall in and out of love all the time. It is just that you removed yourself so smoothly from my life that I am still grappling with the damage caused  … after years. I feel glorified by the love I still feel for you and crushed by the distress I heap upon myself because I cannot let go. May be, I never will. Call it hero-worshipping, but then, you are my hero. Yes, in the present tense, you are my hero.

Through all the tears that I have shed in the solitude of the merciful nights, I have realized that I will not be able to get over you and that is alright. If it ever does happen, I will embrace it whole-heartedly but for now I want to be happy with the thought that I loved and lost. I want to smile because I knew you, once.  I forgive myself for not getting over you, my sojourner, and in the process forgive you for arousing all those emotions in me which, perhaps, you do not even deserve to know about.

May love find you some day.
Cheesy from Cheese Dale.