Sighs and unheard cries…
Like a bolt from the blue. That was my first thought when I read the email from the man who I hold responsible for Maya’s death. Not directly, but he was the one who thrust her into a pit of morbid despair, after he had taken what he wanted from her. Maya, though she was a beautiful soul had invested her trust in the wrong man who neither loved nor valued her. And I will never stop saying that!
When I had shared with him the news of Maya’s death, I had at least expected a heartfelt show of grief. Instead, I had received a two-liner saying he was sorry to hear the news. Personally, I am sure he was glad that she was gone.
Some people are like venomous snakes. Only worse because their bites cannot be seen with the human eye…. they harm the spirit and the victim dies of slow-poison. That man was just that!
But I am curious. Having read the email a couple of times already, I still cannot clearly deduce why he wants to come back here. Again. He has already snatched the person that I adored…. a woman with the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen. Whenever she bestowed it on me, I used to feel like the luckiest man on earth! Perhaps I would always adore her from a distance and never really speak up about my feelings, Yet, the sight of her filled me with a childish delight that I cannot express adequately in words. Just can’t stop the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. May be, I should let them flow… to heal, to forgive myself for not forcing Maya to abandon that man when she still could, for not getting more involved in her personal life, for resigning to fate and allowing destiny to take its course!
A long, audible sigh escapes my lips and I can feel myself bristling with rage. I did try to stop her and not just once. She was getting upset with me…. I feared that she would no longer confide in or trust me.
I shake my head. Excuses! See, I feared I would lose Maya’s friendship if I interfered too much in her personal life. Then I would not get to see her anymore! My life would feel empty again. Her smiling face, her ceaseless chatter, the subtle floral fragrance of wildflowers that always clung to her body…… all that would be taken away from me! I didn’t want to lose that…. I didn’t want to lose whatever little I could have of her! It turned me selfish and I lost her forever!
Late in the night sometimes, I suddely wake up and can see the moonlight spilling through the window shades. I wonder how it would be if I asked her in time, if she agreed. Would Maya be my wife then? Would she be by me, may be sitting on the porcb in the luminous night, sharing ice-cream from a tub and laughing away to glory until Maya fell asleep on my lap? And then, would I carry her inside in my arms, thanking my good fortune for making her mine?
And sometimes, when I am thinking about this, I feel her presence in me… her scent fills my room and the pain in me slowly goes away. It is as if she is standing by my bedside, smiling like before. I take her scent in my lungs greedily and drift off to sleep. But when I wake up in the morning, I am skeptical if it really happened or if I had just been dreaming!
Anyway, he said he will be arriving in two days time and he mentioned a companion. Its good they have arranged for their lodging because I will definitely not allow him any room in the University quarters. I still recall that moment when I got that frantic call from Nafeesa. It took me a while to understand, she was crying so much. When I realised what she was saying it was as if the air had been sucked out of my lungs! For a while, I struggled to breathe. The light had gone out of my world and I heard a buzzing in my head that made no sense. I can still hear that buzzing when I am thinking about the sight of her dead, yellowish face and her limp body in that bedroom of hers….. that she shared with him!
With Maya’s death, I feel I have been served a cruel life sentence that I did not deserve. I did not want to see him, ever again. But now I will prepare myself for the meeting with…. with the man I loathe, like I have never loathed anyone else in my life!